i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
