You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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