Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
