Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
