You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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