I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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