My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
This is my gift to your gina
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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