we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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