You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
