I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
