bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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