Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
