All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
