Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
