I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
