I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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