I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
