So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
