i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
