; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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