...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
