So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
