dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
