haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
