my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Randomize
