I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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