I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
