I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
