God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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