Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
