I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
