Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
