am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
