new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
accomplished twins. life is a go
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
