it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
