Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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