fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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