When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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