Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
