im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
