i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
