dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
