the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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