Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
