Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
