I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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