she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
