My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
