Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
