drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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