my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I could make wine with my vomit
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
